If you are reading this right now, it means that you are either suffering, have a friend who is suffering, or are curious about depression and suicide. If you are looking for methods of suicide, we don't have those here. Here we only offer an alternative.
I suffered (and still do) majorly from five types of depression, and I can tell you that I am no stranger to suicidal thoughts. You can't know how thankful I am that I never carried out those thoughts. I've had more than one time where I sat huddled in a corner on a rainy day after having a fight with my mother, wondering if perhaps it was my time to go, and how I could speed up that process. I've cried enough tears to drown myself in, and yet I've never done it. Why? Because, if you think about it, there is something to live for. Please don't stop reading. I know you don't believe me, and there's barely any way to make you believe me, so instead, I'm going to give you a scenario.
You're sitting at your desk. You know it's time to go. You've said that to yourself over a million times, but this time you know, for sure, is real. You're tired, you're just so very tired, your parents just pissed you off. Like school wasn't hard enough today. You go to get the rope, or the knife, or the gun, or whatever you choose to use because you're that desperate to leave. You're ready. You think of it as some kind of game, the first one dead is the first one to win. No one is home. It's the perfect time.You're ready. If you don't do it now, you're just going to look down on yourself even more. You're going to hate yourself. No one knows. No one will know, until later on. Instead of getting paper and a pen, you get the video camera, along with a chair. You're standing on a chair. You decided to go with a rope. You'll be gone instantly, and there'll be no noise. One side of the rope is tied to the top of your fan, while the other is already around your neck. You're in tears and you know it's for real this time. You can feel it. You turn on the video camera and you just stare at the red light blinking upon your eyes. You start to mumble out a few words.
'Mom... and Dad... I'm sorry. I don't know why I'm sorry, but I am! I just can't do this anymore, I just don't even know who I am anymore. I've lost myself, and I seem to not be able to find my way back. Please don't blame yourself, please. I love you both, and please tell my siblings the same. Stay strong and stay safe. I'll see you all soon.' You say sorry to your best friend because you know you won't be there for him anymore, especially when he needs you the most. You say sorry to everyone you can think of... even yourself. You're sorry for not being strong anymore, you're sorry for breaking down. You're sorry for putting them through so much pain in their life. You stare, once again, at the red light blinking upon your eyes. One foot is off the chair now, as you begin to mouth the word 'goodbye.' You have the remote control to turn off the camera in your right hand, pointer finger on the off button. You click, and as soon as you see that light go off... you go off.
Both feet are now off the chair, the chair now on the floor. The room is filled with silence. You're dead. You're gone. There's no going back. Everything is over. You don't have to live in pain anymore... but everyone else will. What will your parents think? What about your little brother or sister? You're gone, you're dead. There's no going back. You ended your life because the person you like doesn't feel the same? You ended your life because that one teacher was harder on you than anyone else in the class? Because she knew that you were the only one going anywhere with your life?
Your parents are home now. They call your name to tell you they're back, just like they normally do. But something's different--you don't answer, they don't hear your voice. They get worried. You always answer. They come up to check on you, thinking you're sleeping or showering... Your mom opens your bedroom door and screams at the top of her lungs. Your little sister hears her and comes running. "Daddy, help!" she calls. She runs over to you, is hitting you, begging you to "please wake up! Stop this!"
You won't wake up. You'll never wake up.
You don't have to feel the pain anymore. But they do. "How is that fair?" you may argue. "It's either them or me, and I've had my turn." That's where you're wrong. It doesn't have to be any of you. You can get better. You've taken a step in the right direction by coming to this site, or calling a hotline, or the police, or by telling your parents or an encouraging friend.
There's always going to be that pain, that tear, that little bit of emptiness that was once filled with dark. It's never going to go away. You will always have that emotional scar of this part of your life. But it's better to have a reminder of what could have been than to be a reminder of what will be for them. And giving up the pain doesn't make it harder for anyone else. It gives you back your happiness. The happiness you deserve after years of taking crap and being the punching bag for others, just so that they wouldn't know.
You aren't doing anyone a favor by living this in silence, least of all yourself.
I suffered (and still do) majorly from five types of depression, and I can tell you that I am no stranger to suicidal thoughts. You can't know how thankful I am that I never carried out those thoughts. I've had more than one time where I sat huddled in a corner on a rainy day after having a fight with my mother, wondering if perhaps it was my time to go, and how I could speed up that process. I've cried enough tears to drown myself in, and yet I've never done it. Why? Because, if you think about it, there is something to live for. Please don't stop reading. I know you don't believe me, and there's barely any way to make you believe me, so instead, I'm going to give you a scenario.
You're sitting at your desk. You know it's time to go. You've said that to yourself over a million times, but this time you know, for sure, is real. You're tired, you're just so very tired, your parents just pissed you off. Like school wasn't hard enough today. You go to get the rope, or the knife, or the gun, or whatever you choose to use because you're that desperate to leave. You're ready. You think of it as some kind of game, the first one dead is the first one to win. No one is home. It's the perfect time.You're ready. If you don't do it now, you're just going to look down on yourself even more. You're going to hate yourself. No one knows. No one will know, until later on. Instead of getting paper and a pen, you get the video camera, along with a chair. You're standing on a chair. You decided to go with a rope. You'll be gone instantly, and there'll be no noise. One side of the rope is tied to the top of your fan, while the other is already around your neck. You're in tears and you know it's for real this time. You can feel it. You turn on the video camera and you just stare at the red light blinking upon your eyes. You start to mumble out a few words.
'Mom... and Dad... I'm sorry. I don't know why I'm sorry, but I am! I just can't do this anymore, I just don't even know who I am anymore. I've lost myself, and I seem to not be able to find my way back. Please don't blame yourself, please. I love you both, and please tell my siblings the same. Stay strong and stay safe. I'll see you all soon.' You say sorry to your best friend because you know you won't be there for him anymore, especially when he needs you the most. You say sorry to everyone you can think of... even yourself. You're sorry for not being strong anymore, you're sorry for breaking down. You're sorry for putting them through so much pain in their life. You stare, once again, at the red light blinking upon your eyes. One foot is off the chair now, as you begin to mouth the word 'goodbye.' You have the remote control to turn off the camera in your right hand, pointer finger on the off button. You click, and as soon as you see that light go off... you go off.
Both feet are now off the chair, the chair now on the floor. The room is filled with silence. You're dead. You're gone. There's no going back. Everything is over. You don't have to live in pain anymore... but everyone else will. What will your parents think? What about your little brother or sister? You're gone, you're dead. There's no going back. You ended your life because the person you like doesn't feel the same? You ended your life because that one teacher was harder on you than anyone else in the class? Because she knew that you were the only one going anywhere with your life?
Your parents are home now. They call your name to tell you they're back, just like they normally do. But something's different--you don't answer, they don't hear your voice. They get worried. You always answer. They come up to check on you, thinking you're sleeping or showering... Your mom opens your bedroom door and screams at the top of her lungs. Your little sister hears her and comes running. "Daddy, help!" she calls. She runs over to you, is hitting you, begging you to "please wake up! Stop this!"
You won't wake up. You'll never wake up.
You don't have to feel the pain anymore. But they do. "How is that fair?" you may argue. "It's either them or me, and I've had my turn." That's where you're wrong. It doesn't have to be any of you. You can get better. You've taken a step in the right direction by coming to this site, or calling a hotline, or the police, or by telling your parents or an encouraging friend.
There's always going to be that pain, that tear, that little bit of emptiness that was once filled with dark. It's never going to go away. You will always have that emotional scar of this part of your life. But it's better to have a reminder of what could have been than to be a reminder of what will be for them. And giving up the pain doesn't make it harder for anyone else. It gives you back your happiness. The happiness you deserve after years of taking crap and being the punching bag for others, just so that they wouldn't know.
You aren't doing anyone a favor by living this in silence, least of all yourself.